A woman on ice

Inspired by the Winter Olympics, Lena arrived at the pond behind the church. Her blades were still sharp—no doubt a nudge from the universe…

She pulled her knit cap over her ears and mumbled positive affirmations.

Boisterous boys shouted greetings, and she blushed at the sight of their clean-cut father—his sons calling him Mark. He refereed their hockey game while pulling his squealing daughters on a sleigh.

With a feigned display of hopelessness, he gestured to his aching back.

Lena tightened her laces and smiled. Thrilled by the season’s magic, she marvelled at the snow-capped St. Mary’s Chapel and the glistening stretch before her.

“I left the house!” She wished darling Ted could be there to share her victory.

Her peace was short-lived when someone called her a couch potato.

Who said that? She looked around with skittish glances. During the 2020 lockdown, she began hearing voices when an inner critic invaded her mind, giving her hell.

“Were you bullied in your youth?” Ted had asked, concluding it was her insecurities talking. He helped her survive despite her claim the voice was real. Her stomach itched at the thought the pundit had returned.

“Get moving before you freeze,” Mark said as he approached, a frown on his forehead.

Lena rejected his outstretched hand, doubting his intentions, and gave him a scathing look.

With her scarf pulled tight over her mouth, she stepped onto the ice to skim across the creek. As the surface creaked under her weight, she recalled the news of a child who fell through a crack and drowned. Poor baby. But horror scenarios wouldn’t deter her from her quest. She dodged piles of frozen clumps and shuffled onward.

Great, half a mile to go. She gathered the courage to move faster, but, oh Lord, halfway through, she stumbled and fell.

“Watch out for gaps!” Mark called out. She shook her head and trudged forward with a determined pull around her mouth. His toddlers yelled for him to keep sledding.

Lena wiped the sludge from her burning cheeks and struggled to her feet. Her heart pounded at a crunching sound beneath her, imagining water bubbling through cracks. She winced at Mark’s gaze burning on her back. To regain her composure, she focused on the pier. Sure enough, the other side was within reach.

It began to snow harder. Millions of velvety flakes turned the scene into an animated Christmas card.

When she reached the wooden railing of the dock, she began her warming-up routine. Frost powder hit her thighs as she bent and stretched to loosen stiff muscles.

Eyes closed, she imagined herself in a glittering costume to receive a medal at the Olympic closing ceremony. For a second, she shuddered at a flashback of a fall that ended her sports career. But not this time––she could feel it in her bones.

To practise, she skated close along the shore, and after two laps, her confidence returned.

Ted gave her the final push. “Go for it, honey!”

Okay, here I am.

That smooth spot over there looked perfect for a pirouette, and she summoned the rush of a perfect spin. She slipped and tripped but persevered until she completed a full turn. Courage grew, and her star shone brighter with each try.

“I am unstoppable!” she shouted to the heavens, hoping Ted could hear her. Instead, the bully replied with vicarious shame. “Ridiculous…”

She rebuked his vicious attacks by aiming at perfection; a double axel would shut him up.

Her heart swelled with pride as she jumped under the bright blue sky.

August blue… the month she spiralled into a depression when Ted died. But even the pain of losing him dissolved in the euphoric climax of ultimate grace.

She swirled so fast that her eardrums throbbed as the scenery melted into a shimmering kaleidoscope. To imitate the gold medallist, she tilted her head and spread her arms for a stylish finish. The sun broke through as she landed, accentuating her brilliant finale. Exhilarating.

Ha! Look at Mr Sleigh, gaping at her triumph. And did she hear a camera clicking?

Friends and family flooded the shore. They cheered as she pulled off a flawless triple axel. In this instant, she was weightless, like a feather. With an elegant gesture, she tossed her beanie to her supporters, who clapped and hollered for more.

“Okay!” she said, grinning.

Her skin tingled with anticipation as she prepared for a quadruple lutz, a move no female skater had ever landed. Every cell in her body vibrated as she dug one foot into the ice for entry steps, speeding up with crunching blades.

But just as she was about to rise at the pinnacle of speed, the hateful voice slithered in with a deadly blow. “I hope bathing suits come in your size. Because…”

Fear shattered her newfound confidence, and she crashed.

In an attempt to regain her balance, she hurt her knees. Now her legs wouldn’t move. Her fingers clawed at the slippery surface as the abyss grew beneath her, and her mind flashed memories of lifelong adversity. As the undercurrent sucked her halfway in, she cried out for Ted.

“Ted! I’m drowning!”

But her mainstay abandoned her when she needed him most, as his ever-tender words dissipated.

Her arms flailed before cramping up. From the distance, the critic bit her once more. “Too subzero to dive in with you, girl.”

Water gushed over her head, and as the crack ruptured, Mark froze in his tracks, fumbled for his phone and dialled 999. His voice sounded distant as he called, “Please, hurry! Someone has slipped through the ice!”

Lena’s eyes were fixed on the murky stream that spilled across the crevice. He should’ve helped her. Instead, he observed her struggle from a distance, as she panted and glistened with sweat.

“Sometimes the hardest falls… are the ones no one ever sees,” the pundit mumbled before fleeing.

The cold gnawed at her bones, and Lena slid into the icy depths. Her limbs grew heavy, her thoughts quietened, and colours and sounds faded into a static equilibrium.